A Funny BT Broadband Complaint

This BT broadband customer is one unhappy chappy and makes his feelings felt quite clearly in a well written and quite amusing account of BT’s diabolic customer service at the hands of a relatively simple broadband problem. 

Dear Sir or Madam

Further to my previous telephone conversations, email, and the promise of an answer within 24 hours, as yet I still do not seem to have had any reply?

The possibilities are that you are either just to busy with other BT complaints you have received, or it is just down to the fact that BT rakes in so much money you just cannot be bothered? The second seems the most likely option as you are quick to take the money, but are not so reactive when problems arise.

May I start by confirming that my name is Mr Christopher Mark Archer, a title bestowed upon me by my biological parents on the 1st February 1957. This should not be an easy mistake for BT to make as the name on my bill and any email correspondence is a bit of a give away. However, whenever I manage to actually get through to BT your operatives seem to have the unswerving ability to just pick any combination of my name at random and address me as such.

In brief, my complaints regarding the Broadband option agreed are now as follows:

The bill is incorrect, end of story. The first 3 months are at the lower rate of £7.78, the remaining 15 months are to be charged at £15.65

This was to be done by direct debit, at the time this was believed to be coming out monthly now I find out this is to come out quarterly?

Why can you not get this right or explain the bill properly?

£50 credit was to be applied to my phone bill, not the Broadband bill as has happened. This offer was taken up as per the web site advertisement for any Tiscali user that would like to join BT. On questioning my bill your operative got extremely flustered, continually told me I was wrong but finally implied that the £50 was actually put on as the above initial £7.78 was wrongly priced? Please make your minds up. Do I get £50 off my phone bill or not? If so where is it? Where is my correct bill? What is this £50 credit on my Broadband bill? Will someone please explain in simple English? Do your operatives actually know what they are either doing or talking about?

BT Broadband Talk, I received an email telling me, as this had not been used the service had now been disconnected from my “option”. Why? How do you know I will not be using this in the near future? I want it back and I want it back ASAP. No doubt as this has been removed from my “option” BT will expect some form of “reconnection” fee for this?
Well think on!

Enhanced Broadband speed, yes initially for about a week. From then totally sporadic service. This, and irrespective of any advise given by BT on backing up my P.C. defragging etc etc, any excuse but BTs fault and please excuse me if I’m boring you to death.
Your Broadband has all the speed of a racing slug.
Why is it your people always blame the poor customer stating there is a fault with either this, that or the other bit of our gear?

To give an example I had cause to ring regarding some form of interference that was occurring while on the web. ( probably Alexander Graham Bell spinning in his grave).
To start with I had BT (the phone dept) check the actual phone line, this proved all clear. Then as instructed changed the in-line filters on the incoming lines, still the problem persisted.

At this point I am told by BT Broadband dept, somewhere in another hemisphere, that the problem is my fault with the resulting conversation going something like this:

Your Operative: The phone is too close to the hub causing interference.

Me: No its not its in the other room.

Your Operative: Why is it in the other room?

Me: Because that’s where we want it.

Your Operative: Then you have something else in the room causing the problem.

Me: Such as?

Your Operative: Bad cables.

Me: Don’t think so, I’m an Electrical Engineer by trade with over 35 years experience.

Your Operative: Then you have something running in the background.

Me: Such as? This is a 2 bed bungalow in Cornwall not in a large town or city, only my partner, daughter and myself are here, are you suggesting I to go round and turn off every piece of electrical equipment in the place to prove this point?

Your Operative: Silence…..then. Have you any electromagnetic devices running in the house? (where did he pick this gem up from?)

Me: (being sarcastic) Oh, such as the matter-antimatter reactor I have running in the garage?

Your Operative: (with a sound of triumph in his voice) Yes sir that will be the cause, can you go and turn it off please? (What is he on!!!!)

At this point I lost the will to live, as it seems your operative had no concept of computer technology and was just relying on pure fantasy to answer queries or to just fob me off.

As pure fantasy is the case with BT, I will now indulge you.

You may or may not know of the Psychologist William James? Who postulated the theory that: The multiverse (or meta-universe, metaverse) is the hypothetical set of multiple possible universes (including our universe) that together comprise everything that physically exists: the entirety of space and time, all forms of matter, energy and momentum, and the physical laws and constants that govern them. The different universes within the multiverse are sometimes called parallel universes. The structure of the multiverse, the nature of each universe within it and the relationship between the various constituent universes, depend on the specific multiverse hypothesis considered.

As I have a matter-antimatter reactor running in my garage it must now be clear that due to an accident in the future, a massive “rip” in the space time continuum occurred and I was thrown back not only in time but also through to another parallel universe, as a result I am trying my best to use the technology of today in an attempt to return home. Perhaps I should call E.T.?

As your operative seemed to have some knowledge of the matter-antimatter theory there is a possibility that I may have been too harsh on him and should have listened further.

Obviously with the development on the one hand of safe and practical storage devices (using powerful electro-magnetic containment rings and multisensor feedback), such as the Pionomak and the Plasma Helix, my use of matter-antimatter annihilation would have been understandably proven successful and without any interference to the Broadband supplied, should of course any of the above be available in this time line.

However taking into consideration the lack of such technology in this the 21st Century, it has now become apparent that subsystems associated with a complete beam-core matter-antimatter system, that the radiation shield constructed (for protection from the intense flux of gamma rays) is insufficient and as such interferes with the normal operation of BT Broadband.

Possibly if I had explained this to your man, and with his obvious knowledge of matter-antimatter reactors the outcome would have be settled there and then?

Please take the time to correct me if I’m wrong.

Unfortunately the local library does hold any literature on 23rd Century matter-antimatter engineering, although from the media such places as The British Secret Service, The Pentagon, The Kremlin, Area 51 etc seemed the best bet and I had intended to use my resources to access these areas via my BT Broadband. Had it not been running like a racing slug. (Back to original complaints).

To finalise I believe there are 3 options for me:

1. I can redesign and reconstruct the matter-antimatter reactor into a particle beam transporter (that is if I can get hold of a Heisenberg Compensator) and just “beam” myself away.

2. Using the reactor create unstable matter with distinct gravitational properties, specifically a propensity to condense into quantum singularities. By these means in theory creating an artificial black hole, with the effect to having BT Broadband swallowed up for all of eternity.

3. Await your no doubt interesting reply.

To conclude: If (and I say if) you have taken the effort to read this fully, you are probably wondering what these ramblings have to do in reality with BT Broadband?

Simply put, 24th Century physics and the service BT Broadband provide are both nothing more than pure fantasy.

However, one thing I am clear on is The Sale of Goods Act 1979:

The Sale of Goods Act 1979 (as amended) states that when a consumer buys goods from a trader they must be: as described; of a satisfactory quality; and fit for any purpose made known at the time of sale to the seller.

My goods are not as described (the bill is incorrect), fit for purpose/of satisfactory quality (broadband speed etc) and I wish to claim a some form of compensation under the Sale of Goods Act 1979 as amended.

On this occasion your most urgent attention is requested.

Mr. C. Archer.

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No Comments

  • They don't know your house, most people's wireless routers are near a mass of wiring and electrical equipment such as TVs which can cause massive issues with speeds and connection. Same goes for if routers are in different rooms.

    If a line test shows the line speed at a healthy level and you sitting at your PC doesn't see the same speed – it really does have to be your PC or the connection to the router. No amount of sarcasm can change that sadly.

  • To Anonymous

    With ref your comment and please correct me if I have read your reply incorrectly.

    To start this is not a wireless router and in all honesty there is not that much "background" interference running while the actual PC is on.

    Even if there is normal equipment being used, surely there should not be massive issues with speeds and connections? If there are issues with normal equipment (causing interference) why is it that BT do not explain this and promise the earth when you take up a contract?

    As for sarcasm, I agree this is never the best route to take when complaining, however when you have spent so much of your own precious time either ringing or emailing BT, sometimes for hours on end, to be either fobbed off, told you are lying, told you don't know what your talking about or just hung up on, sarcasm does come to the fore.

    Again if I have mistaken the content of your reply, apologies.



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